Fortunate Passage

I believe that everyone, definitely everyone wants to go through a passage full of fortune in this life. Everyone wants to be happy. Everyone wants to have everything they want to be filled, achieved, possessed and to have them for a lifetime and never even let them slip away from their hands, from their eyes, from their hearts, from their minds, or from their life. That is very human, simply like who we truly are.

Unfortunately, not everyone seems to be happy. Not everyone achieves or has the things they really want in life. Even if they think they feel happy, they sometime, somehow, still want to be happier. Here, everyone is trapped in the pursuit of happiness. Everyone, no matter who or what: children, youth, adults, men and women, white or colored, rich or poor; everyone else.

Some people feel and think that they were so fortunate in the past and they feel that their good luck charm is not shining anymore today. They have been living with the shadow overhead, just like me, like some other people I’ve known and I will meet. We undoubtedly feel so bad about what we are living today, what we have is not as wonderful as what we had in the past. Everything seems to go totally wrong, out of order, out of our expectation, wishes or dreams. Why do they happen to us anyway; that could be the innocent question that everyone of us would ask. And this, this condition seems to never end; never in my sight.

Everything, all of a sudden, looks to collapse, shatter, ruin, fall apart into pieces that we never imagined it could; everything that we have kept for years, dear in our hands, in our hearts, in our minds and in our souls. It becomes the thing far beyond our thoughts could reach. It has gone with the time, which we never ever could turn back. This loss has taken our spirit away from our castle, say our corpse. We are at death’s door. Crawling with hopes to stay alive, for some, but for some others who can’t bear, they crawl closer and closer each day to that door.

Chased by the splendid shadows of the past, feeling the dreadful days following life that doesn’t seem to stop today; all would create accumulation of fear and tear, uncertainty and objectivity, and all of that will drag us away to remember what the future could probably bring for us: the missing spirit. Perhaps, that is what life is trying to teach us, to make us, to shape us into individuals we could better be.

All of this cycle in my life I call the trinity of life journey: to walk, to slow and to end. These are the things that I always keep in mind, as a life traveler. During our walk that we have started since the day we were all born, we could always take a pause anytime, anywhere we want, but we will definitely never know when and where we will stop to travel. Though we could, for ever and a day, decide our stop, just like any other people that did and might do, that would be not the most advisable way for all life travelers to take. The thing is, why would we decide the stop if it has been decided and written and kept somewhere that we all never know.

So, what could we do when at a point of time in our life journey, we arrive to the place and time we have to take a break and, probably, enjoy the time that we have to the fullest, take everything as big and priceless lesson to continue the travel. As we are living today, we should trace back the passage to the past to get the essence of the journeys that we have so far completed and bring them all to our today’s life to get the fortune of the future, for the journey remains for us to travel through, to accomplish our mission, here in life.

Fortune of the Future

This is how we walk through to the future, with the shadow overhead…

Passage to the Past

For those, who have been living with the shadow overhead..

Yet, finding the road to the future..

February Faith

This is just about how to go through in life, with the remaining faith in the month of February…

Another monologue that perpetuates…

Life has been so harsh in the last past weeks, after returning from what I could call ‘the Peak of My Mountain of Life,’ where I knew that I could stand on my own feet, where I, to my own understanding, had everything I needed and wanted—things that I had been dreaming of—that was eventually achieved. I felt like, for a couple of weeks, being on the paramount, and suddenly everything had gone from my careful clutch; not that I was being reckless, but more to be the, let’s say, destiny for myself. And all I know, I have to get it back.

After being extremely mobile (say: extraordinarily nomadic), within two months, I could settle in, finally, even just for a while, but at least, I know that it could help me, somehow, to regain my energy to move on again. Living in a place, where I used to call ‘home’ and where I left a part of my heart behind for a few days, after the ‘return,’ was somehow, reaching to the time, when I naturally forced to find another place to nest that I couldn’t find and had to make up my mind; I stayed for a couple of days in an aunt’s house, which was pretty far away from the heart of the capital. Then I had to continue to another port, where was at an old friend’s house near the place where I spent my last five years to get my bachelor degree, for yet another few days. Knowing that I couldn’t belong to that place, I had to find the best way-out for the time being, for I could settle down for a little bit longer time. So, I found a place of a close cousin’s parents in law, whose wedding, sometime last year, I didn’t even attend. Thankfully, I could stay there for few weeks, until I eventually found another place, an old place where I used to stay before, as another harbor, where I have been staying for the last few weeks. Finally, but the battle is not over yet…

To get away from suicidal emotion that often came across the corner of my mind, I looked for another bright pursuit where I could be somebody, where I could find another little path to, yet, start another long and winding journey. So, there I found a club with new people, where I could interact and hangout with. New friends that gave me, however, new breeze and new breath and that they have helped me find my lost spirit and lifted my higher from that drowning emotional condition. They have helped me find back the missing voices that I have longed for and realize that life was, after all, not that bad. From them, I saw, that even in the hardest situation, they still have little hope and prayer in their hearts and they know how to be, as it might seem, happy. From them, I found, that there are still lots and lots of people out there, that have been suffering from this cruelty, or if I may say, injustice, but they are still fighting for better things, they are not quitters. And it has helped me awaken the faith in deep sleep inside of me. And I thank them truly for being such miracle in time of obscurity.

From that time on, I have changed and it gives important impact on my life, my surrounding, to being another challenging adventure. There I found my faith back in February and realized that I still have a long long road to the future. To put my self together, to put the scrambled puzzles in place, to keep going on until I see the light that shines again…

What’s This Life For

Those problems make me wonder why I should live and carry this heavy loads and what this life is for. I’d rather not live than seeing this cruel life and cruel people that give no mercy. People say bad things about us, some other say god things about us; so whom we should listen to? I should say that it is our heart, the voice within us that we have to listen to. People will only make us confused by what they are saying about us. Everything is relative, a person says that we are good person; the other says we are unfriendly person; so keep going on with whatever you have, and however you are.

In this life, the hardest thing is to be ourselves. A lot of people wear masks to get accepted in the society, they can’t be themselves and let others understand and accept them just they way they are. It’s very hard to do. People can’t live with who they really are. They are afraid to be rejected in the community, without realizing that they are becoming people of who they are not. I hate it, I hate that social condition. Every time I want to be myself, there will always be problems and rejection. People can hardly understand how important it is for others to show and to be who they are.

What’s this life for? We live not to get or make everyone happy, which is hardly impossible. But we live to be ourselves and to give ourselves chance to grow and to give benefits for those around us with very best intention, no matter what they will say about it and about us. People can’t just let us do it! They say that it is freedom of expression, to whose standard? Those who hold the power? Or those who are powerless? Nobody knows; and they can simply twist the condition for their own sake. I don’t understand it and I really disagree with that condition.

We just have to remember that there is always balance in every life aspect. Everything will put up pros and cons, good and bad; just like the balance of Yin and Yang. We have to understand it very well, so that we can become more tolerable as a person and more understanding about differences that appear in real life. Sometimes, somehow things are not enough, what we have given to certain people, society, groups; they demand more and more than what we are able to reach and give.

What we can do is to look back what this life is for; the purpose of our existence, here on earth. This life is not endless, we are not either. We will die and leave everything that we ever possess and have when we live. This is not eternal life. There is another life phase that we will destine ad new have to be ready to go and to leave what we have behind.

“We are not defined by what our jobs are, but how well we rise after falling.” This time, I stand up once again after falling thousands of times; I have to be brave to face the truth, the truth of losing some things and some people that I really loved..

Friday the 13th

Today is Friday the 13th; and I can say that this is the first, the one and only Friday the 13th in year 2008. Can we say that Friday the 13th is a bad sign? For some people probably yes, but not for some other. To me, personally, I want today to be a new starting point for me in my life. I want to re-organize my life again, after a series of miserable events occurred, hit me and let me down.

Close To You

To be honest, I was about to give up everything. I was about to give up this life and end my life yesterday. I was crying and crying. I talked to God and my late mom; whom I have been away for too long. I prayed until I fell asleep, and that really avoided me from committing suicide. It was the hardest day, I thought; I felt so lonely and alone in my room and had no idea what to do with this life and didn’t know how to carry on. I had been going the wrong way this far, which actually was my own choice, although I knew that I was wrong, it was a very big mistake that I shouldn’t have done, but I had no other choice. I should have been closer to You.

I feel desperate and lost at this very moment, walking step by step to put the shattered pieces of my heart, my spirit and my soul; to look for the missing and darkened hope in the remaining light that I could see deep down inside my damaged faith. Somehow I still believed that there was a way out for all of these problems, though most of the time what I could see was very dark cul-de-sac.

I just wanted to see the light, the light that will guide me to get out of this never ending cave, the cave of earthly possession that I could hardly bear. I had just given one up, though it was very hard to do, but I just did. I couldn’t just let it go but I had too, to put my life in order again, to remove one burden that I had been carrying. I still feel so sad about that decision, though I didn’t really want to do it, to lose it. I just had to. I hope that it was the best decision that I had made. No hurt feeling.

Now I have to carry on, on my own and with my own way. Slowly but with little doubts in mind if I could go on, I will try to stand and walk with my wounded knees and heart. Now I have to face the truth again, the truth that I have to let another possession go, a thing that I have been nurturing for almost one year, 11 months and 29 days; so tomorrow I will have to make another important decision in my life. Another sacrifices, another mental and psychological war that I have to go; a battle that I have to finish. I know it will take courage for me, for me heart to let go. I have to, and that was the plan. That time has come and I have to make up my mind.

I will have to stand on my own after then, which will be very hard, but with the shining and guiding star I will go and reach my destination. All I have to do now is to finish the unfinished business, and then to go back to the place where I belong, the place I have been wanting to be and to make plans for my future. I have been suffering too much and I don’t want to feel that way anymore, it’s enough and it’s time for me to make changes for myself. I don’t want to be controlled and dependent, I want to stand on my own feet; and I have to begin now.

What happened in the past let stay in the past, as lessons in life and memories that I can only remember and recall if I want to. Never look back or go back, I have to look straight forward as a proud man of having passed the darkest time in life, a man who will just have to begin another new chapter in life, a man who will pass a transition process in life to grow and to be wiser.

A new day has come, a new hope has been given and a new life has been blessed…

When You Believe

Dearest Diary,

I have been busy with my thesis writing, time is coming close and i haven’t made any significant progress. i have been depressed a little bit, trying to get out of this cuff but i just couldn’t let myself runaway. this is my final obligation before i can receive my undergraduate title, i understand it completely. but since this is my third topic, i felt a little bit bored and upset, also sorry for myself and wondering why i couldn’t have finished that earlier. i  blame myself for this, somehow; as i don’t have anything or anyone to blame, though i know that it wasn’t completely my faults; there are also external factors.

i hate this, i have to struggle all by myself, figure out the best way to get myself focused on this assignment. it is not that easy. i don’t know why. i try to pray to God, but it was not so easy either. i am confused. i have no one to talk to in here. people, families and friends whom i thought i could rely on and talk to, also thought they could help me out here, they are simply gone, forgetting about their promises and vows. i’m here all alone, just myself.

yet financial concerns force me to work to earn some money, as i don’t receive anymore supports from my families. it is to support also my thesis research, to buy some text books for the references, to travel for library research and consultation. it is too complicated. yet, i also still have to pay my school tuition. i really have to turn my head all around to look for the easiest way to earn a lot of money with little time to spend. i know that i will still receive some money from my side jobs, but i don’t know when they will be paid, everything is so uncertain. the problems keep coming, one by one, but people keep going also one by one-leaving me all alone. i know that’s the nature.

i have been trying hard to get myself closer and closer to God, as the only escape – my only savior…

anyway, i know also that i still have a little optimism inside, that i can use to hardly go on to finish my thesis, i know that i m pretty close to it, i don’t want to stop or quit now. otherwise there will be no point to go this far, don’t you think?

all i need now is a miracle. there is one saying mentions, “if you want a miracle, be a miracle.” it means i have to be a miracle for myself. i still believe that somehow, i still can be, though i know that it will be very hard for me to do and to be, but i will try.

this reminds me of a song, ” when you believe” i used to cry when i listen to this song as it gives me strength also the song, “you raise me up” i think it is again about out closeness and acceptance of God.

i feel better after this paragraphs. thank you for listening and reading, also understanding my absences these days.

my thesis submission will be on july 18, and the examination will be from july 21 – august 8. i will do my best for this, not for anyone but myself. I hope I can make it this time..

Here is the song of “When You Believe” by Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston

Many nights we’ve prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
To swiftly flown away

Yet now I’m standing here
My heart’s so full I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I’d say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

They don’t always happen when you ask
(Oh)
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
(Oh…Ohhhh)
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is the relief
(Ohhh)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It’s hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who know what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe…in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believeeeeeeeeeee

I Need An Angel

Dear Diary,

I need a heavenly angel..

Today I have my enrollment for the new semester. This will be my third thesis topic after the last two: environmental communication, intercultural communication and this time I’ll be writing external communication.
I have submitted my thesis proposal to the dean’s office after revising the structure.

This time I would like to thank some friends who have been supporting me to stand up once again, to work on my thesis again after skipping two previous semesters (semester 9-10). So, now I officially enroll for the 11th semester, since the university changed the curriculum calendar for this academic year into three semesters per year, which is to me so accelerative for the students, not all, only for business and communication faculties, as far as I am concerned.

First, for my very good friend since the early days in this university, Nurdin Bashori Afhami, though he is now far away in another city, his constant and spiritual – religious supports are always with me. He sent me messages few days ago. On 27 April to be exact. He said, “self motivation, ultimate medicine, kemurahan dan kasih sayang Allah.” He said that he was in a training with donators and orphans at the main hall of Indosat in Surabaya. He also wished me luck for my thesis. I felt so touched with his message.

He also sent me another long message, to give me more mental and psychological supports. What he said was in Indonesian, but let me paraphrase. “There are many people who fail because they don’t realize how close they are with the success point, look for opportunities to see and look for ways to get it.” “USE THE POWER OF HOPE! There are many people who fail because they lose their motivation, but many people who succeed because they are clever in using their power of motivation. HOPE, HARAPAN or ROJAA’ is also taught in ISLAM,” that was what he said to me; which is very motivating and I could simply agree on it.
Thank you for your motivational messages. You can find him in my Friendster’s friend list.

Another friend is Intan Pratiwi Darmawanti. I informed her when my first writing was published on the Jakarta Post on 24 February ago. I was there carrying the name of my university, as a very senior student. I also informed that to some university’s faculty members and people in the foundation. Anyway, she was very happy with my writing and she also posted a comment on my writing that I personally publish on my weblog. She said that before I started writing anything, I should finish my thesis, as my first priority. She also wanted to hear from me when I have finished my thesis later. Her family also sent regards to me and she also wished me luck. She is the best girl-friend I ever had during my university time and, I think, she will always be. Thank you for your endless supports and your presence when others left me.

Another good friend that I just realized that we could make very good friends is Khatrine Sari Dewi. She worked for IMX with Wimar Witoelar before she decided to work in the university, in the dean of communication office. She’s been there for me. She supports me always. She reminds me to finish my thesis through text messages, emails, calls and also when we meet in person. Her supports are really unconditional to me and I am sincerely thankful to her for being such a great supporter for my thesis. Thanks Khat! She was also very helpful today in campus when I really got big difficulties with the new enrollment procedures, system and staffs.

I was so annoyed with the new procedures. It is good when they are ready with it otherwise that will be big disaster and will disadvantage the students. But, that it was, I couldn’t do much and I went home and took a short nap to calm down my nerves. Thank you for being there with me. I am always thankful everyday for your presence, though sometimes she is also busy with her jobs, she, well I could see, reluctantly listened to me. Thanks anyway and sorry for bothering you most of the time. It’s just because I feel comfortable to be with you and talk to you. I just realized it. She was very sensitive student, now she has changed a lot. You can also find her blog on my friends’ links on this blog.

I also want to thank my ‘UNESCO Club’ friends: Ira Lathief, Leo Mokodompit and Jasmine Sagita. Thank you for being with me so far. I believe that one day we can make it together. Keep up our good work and our fight for our future!

God, I know that I have been away for so long, but You know that my heart is always with You. I will try hard to get back to You, Your love and blessings. I just want simply to finish my thesis, no matter what and no matter how. Please give me Your strength in me to face whatever happens in front of me.

I do need Your guidance and Your assistance, I also need an angel. Please send me angel down right now to hold my hands, to show me the right path to walk, to guide me and to assist me. I am lost now.. I am walking without direction and the wind could easily blow me here and there and make me go nowhere but here..

I know that I have some friends who could accompany and support me but they can’t be with me always, they can’t always be around, but You, You can be with me always, to keep me from going off track. Send me an angel to me, to be with me..

God, please give me a sign when an angel has come down to me..

I also want to share this song with you; I need an angel by Ruben Studdard,

I’ve run out of answers
I’ve run out of time
And I’m so confused that I’m losing my mind
It’s gonna take a miracle to help me this time
I’m traveling a road that has not one sign

Help me…
Have mercy on me…
Set my soul free…
And let the bell in my heart ring…oooh
This is my cry, hey, this is my plea, ya see

I need an angel
I’m calling an angel
Send me an angel down

I’m carrying a load that’s too heavy for me
Have no where to go so I’m down on my knee
I’m trying to see the forest but there’s this one tree
Can’t understand why I’m sinking so deep

Help me (Help me Help me)
Have mercy on me (Won’t you have mercy on me)
Set my soul free, and let the bell in my heart ring
This is my cry, this is my plea

I need an angel (I need an angel)
I’m calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)

Here me now

I need an angel (I need an angel)
I’m calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)

Oooh something inside me
Telling me the morning will come (Morning will come)
Yes it will
Oooh sometimes it’s hard to face the truth so we run (We run)
God if you care at all
Please don’t let me fall by the wayside (Oh no)

Please be my guide, would you light my path…
Take me , Shape me, Mold me, Change me, Teach me, Fill me, Save me

I need an angel (I need an angel)
I’m calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)
I need an angel (I need an angel)
I’m calling an angel, send me an angel (Send it on down)

I know it’s gotta be some kinda
Angel out there for me
Send an angel down right now
Send an angel down right now

Wicker Life

I have been going too far, this time; though there is no regret, I eventually realized that I have to stop all of these carelessness and stupidity.

Get back to it again later…

I also want to my happy 55th birthday to my late mom, on 30 April ago. I know it’s so late but I just get the time now. I have been busy; well, I have been away for sometimes. I am so sorry mom. But, you know that I was praying for you on your birthday last Wednesday. I have been thinking a lot about you a lot lately, that you gave me the most unconditional love ever in this life. Not anyone else, and no one ca ever take your place. I am missing you a lot. I am always praying to Allah to give you the best place next to Him, so that you can always see me and remind me when I go wrong.

I have been searching for your love in any other thousands of loves but still, your unconditional love to me is irreplaceable. I am now in the quest of pursuit of happiness since you left but I haven’t succeeded yet. But, I’ll keep trying somehow, with your heavenly assistance and endless love.

Till I come up with this conception, that if we are looking for miracles we have to be that miracles for others. Another belief is that everyone of us has angels who will be helping us deal with life’s problems but we have to find those angels. The angels can be anyone around us, can be anyone that we never knew and met before, anyone who sincerely extends their hands to us when we need them; to stand up in this life, not to give up, not to give in; we don’t surrender, we have to fight to find what is truth to our hearts. Moreover, those angels can be ourselves. These are the best and the closest angels that will come to us anytime we need them. So, remember that we are angel to anyone. Thus, if we want to look an angle, look for it inside us first.

That’s what I think.

Let’s get back to my unfinished business…

I have been doing stupid things in the last five months, which I shouldn’t have done to a person who really loves me. One who always cares for me on a different way, from unique point of view; One who deserves my love in return, one who deserves not to be cheated on; One who has been supporting me this far; One who extends hands when I fall and helps me stand up to live my whole new life again.

I am weaving one piece to another piece of my life, to be a real good story that I can be proud of one day; story that people will always remember. I have taken wrong ways and now I have to be responsible for myself to get back to the right path. I know it’s hard to get back, but I really have to try. Otherwise, I will just end up my life like any other ordinary stories.

Another point of view that I have created is that it is ourselves that can change and decide what we want to do and what we want to be in this life. We can be a very simple person; we don’t have to do outstanding things or actions that give contributions to other people. We can be a very closed person to anyone; we do things for ourselves, for our own happiness, not others’. Then we will be easily forgettable. We are here on earth to be responsible for easy-but-not-easy obligations. We do our best; we give people what we have, to the utmost level of advantages, so that others can pass that on to others.

On the other hand, if we want to be ‘somebody,’ then we have to struggle. Understand and identify what we know or can do best; maintain, improve and develop them and share them with others; our knowledge and our skills. Be the best on what we can do best. Share the most fragrant smells to others as a person, so others can smell how fragrant we are.

The most important thing is to follow our hearts, listen to what it says; our intuition, with the best intention.
I have been thinking which one I really want: intelligence, money or power; then a friend once asked but don’t forget about responsibility and morale obligation. And I added the most valuable element: ‘love.’ So, whatever we want to be: smart, rich or powerful don’t forget to always bring along these three elements: responsibility, morale obligation and love.

Open up ourselves; bring them to the way to want to be. Release them, let them grow and show the magic of life, the magic of inner power. To show the world how powerful we are, to tell the world that we can change it with what we have inside us. Don’t let others underestimate us and don’t let others intimidate us. We have the power to let them know and tell them that we are not like what they think we are like.

Others, sometimes don’t know what they are talking about, they don’t understand how important it is to understand others, to respect others and not to be hypocritical. If others just can’t change, show them what we are doing is just right. We are not only just talking, but we are also walking what we are talking, which make it the loudest thing we can show. This is the combination of both that make us special people: we talk the walk and walk the talk.

What a wicker of life; when we have to put things in order to be a complete formation of the whole picture of our own life. Just be thankful for now that we are alive, that we are still given another chance to be a better person, and to make our lives improved. Just go on and again, follow your heart, give it time to say something.

Again, happy birthday mom! May your next journey of life give me guidance to live my life. Thank you and I love you…

April Mop

Good morning,

Please do me favors. Open the curtains, get me my mobile phone and turn the fan off. Thanks! and happy new month! It’s not about “April Mop.” Thanks anyway. Gimme kisses and a hug. I’ll be missing you.

I want to welcome the new day of the month with happy feeling to find what I have been looking for, though I haven’t found it yet, but I do will find it soon.

I pray that everything goes better this month as I also wanna be a better person. These are the things: intelligence, wealth or authority. Those three points I do only half way, I need to optimize my efforts. That’s the point!

I have to finish the writing of the book, through chapters and writer’s blocks. I know I’ll get through it.