Dear Mom,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday mom!
I love you with all my heart and my life.
I care for you. Thank you for all your efforst and prayers for me till now, until what I can be today.
May you rest in peace in heaven…
My prayers will always accompany you to the next journey, called eternity.
Your beloved son,
Reiza
Year 2007 I can simply declare as the hardest year of my life. I should have dealt with many hardships in the first few months.
I had to deal with the recovery feeling of breaking of with one that I love the most. We’re separated, apart and nothing we could do to fix the broken heart. I could not even turn back time, to change it.
I also had to deal with the hardship during my internship days in UNESCO Jakarta, when I lost my spirit, and enthusiasm. I had to deal with my tough and challenging boss. At the same time, I had to prepare my materials for the five-day ICT training in Banda Aceh and write the mission report. Not only that, My contract was amended and I had to finalize the CI Unit Newsletter #2, during which I got many pressures from my boss, to fix this, to fix that, which I didn’t find when the previous intern worked on the Newsletter #1. To complete the misery, I also had to face financial problems for my day-to-day life in
Jakarta – during the internship – which I never told anyone, but my mom. Finishing the internship final report isn’t an easy job either. Even though eventually, I presented it on the third week of March and submitted the report in the third week of April.
I was even shocked, on the day I registered for the new semester in campus, on my dad’s birthday, February 15, late afternoon, after my mom called – not long after that – I got a call that she is hospitalized. I was confused and felt like being hit on my chest and lost my breath.
I dunno, what to say about this year…
Mom was hospitalized for about one week, until dad brought her home due to financial problems, he wanted her to be taken care for at home. Well, I couldn’t say anything. Everyone blamed for that, for her sickness. I feel guilty and miserable. I talked to her once after she went home, and when I heard her voice I lost my courage to hear that again. I could sense the pain she dealt with. So, I decided to text my dad only to ask about her condition. Quite regularly.
After the newsletter finished, I went to UNESCO office and grabbed some copies – 100 copies to be exact – and brought them back to Cikarang to be distributed in campus and given to some people. I sent 2 copies for my mom and my aunt in
Surabaya. It was on Saturday after Crisis Communication Class and I planned to go to Bandung to come to Yudha’s party before he went to
Japan, and asked him further information about the UNESCO Youth Forum 2007. I sent them and would arrive in
Surabaya on Monday, the next week.
Monday morning, March 26, I messaged my dad to ask about if the newsletter had arrived and about my mom’s condition. I attended class and consulted my thesis timeframe. I planned to delay the finalization, to get better content quality. I talked to my Dean, Felix about all that. I even told him that I would dedicate my thesis to my mom, as she had struggled a lot for me to finish my study in
President
University. I told him, “I just realized that I loved her so much for what she has given to me this far.” While my mobile vibrated – silently – that I thought it was just a friend’s call.
Then I talked to my thesis advisor, about it too and my mobile kept vibrating but I ignored it. I walked home, and my mobile vibrated again then I answered it’s my friend. I talked for a moment till I arrived home. It’s different from the other day that I would pray – usually I was too lazy to pray – faith crisis. Then I charged my another mobile phone, while praying.
Then it rang many times, after I finished my prayers. I answered and it was my sister in law from
Makassar, with trembled voice, she said the mom passed away. I was shocked, but she asked me to make sure that it was right.
I called dad, and he was crying. I screamed out loud, I cried as I lost my sense. I cried and cried louder. I couldn’t deal with them. At one moment, I felt that life stopped. I hung up the phone and I kept crying. I don’t know what to do. I prayed again to calm down my uncontrolled emotion.
I called my friend to say about this news and asked to drive me to the airport to catch the last flight. I messaged Intan about this and I asked her to come to my house to accompany me for a moment while waiting for a friend – Aris – to drop me to the airport bus station.
Intan and some friends came after I finished packing my clothes and waiting for Aris but he didn’t even come, soon. I called him and he said he couldn’t. I was a bit irritated. Then I walked to the main street with them to find ojeg. I hopped on and asked him to drive me to the bus station. But the station seemed empty from afar. I spotted Muslim’s car. I jumped off the ojeg and stopped him with his friends. I asked him to drive me to the airport or to Pancoran to go to the airport with my friend.
What a hardest day and night. On the way to Jakarta, I received so many SMSs already, people’s and friends’ condolences. I tried to calm down myself and not to cry.
I asked him to drop me to Pancoran as I’d go to the airport with my friend. On the way to the airport I cried along the way. I get off the car and I ran to get the last flight out ticket, but I missed them. Damned! With miserable clothes – appearance – I ran and ran from one ticket counter to another but that night everything was sold out and last flight already took off.
I went back to Jakarta and stayed over night in my friend’s house after getting my dinner. We went back again at around 4.30 am to the airport.
(I couldn’t continue this now… I couldn’t. I need to rest and get a break)
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Life is always a matter of choice…
It’s been hard for me after my mom passed away…I feel guilty and I feel that there is no point anymore for me to continue living. I have no more one whom I can care for, whom I dedicate all my works and achievements to.
I feel somehow depressed. But I still have so many works in front of me to be done soon. I am confused whether I finish those jobs or give them up simply, and stop living. Ending up my life could be a choice, but it will mean that I am not a very tough struggler, or so called life fighter.
Or, I could simply runaway from this complex life and isolate myself in salvation, in guilt. I almost lost the meaning of life. I don’t know about it anymore. What’s this life for, this question keeps moving in my head.
I never felt like this before.
I suddenly felt that all memories of the past recalled and ghost me day and night. How beautiful life was without these emerging complexities. My way of thinking evolves. My idealism and everything.
I almost found my way in life, but suddenly she’s gone. She supported me all her life. I know how she struggled for me, how hard she lived her life to see me happy. And I just realized it too late, before I could present my graduation to her. It’s all her efforts for a son like me…
Before I could thank her for everything she has given to me in her life. Life seems to be unfair to me now. I try to calm down myself, my emotion with this little saying, “good people die young.” It doesn’t good enough to make me feel relax. She is the best I have ever had.
Now I lose control of my life. My life swings away to where the wind blows it, with no clear direction to go, even though I know where to go, but all of those things seem impossible for me to walk through.
Everything can’t help at the moment. I have lost two best people who have ever filled the empty rooms in my heart in only less than four months. What life would be without both of them, people who used to support me to achieve what I want, to remind me that I go though the wrong path.
The chance for me to be depressed right now is much greater than other people I know. To be drawn in great depression and mental war, is almost a certainty. I couldn’t control my energy to turn out this circumstance into one that is more logical and favorable. I’m lost.
Challenge lies where hardship is present. But I don’t know how to use the positive energy to create and find that challenge. This year is really the year of real school of life to me, when I can learn a lot of things from it. When I can find my true self through it.
Some people said that I look tough enough after experiencing this two, but they don’t know what exactly happens inside. Psychological imbalance. Mental war. Deviant thought.
I could punish myself for these, but how and what for? Will this make me grow and learn?
I know this isn’t easy for me, but I couldn’t be in this state of condition for too long. I gotta stand up and sight once again like the warrior of light.
hi there,
I’m back again after more than a month being absent in this cyber world.
I have to post this urgency as these are most wanted.
I am looking for:
1. A Woman, good or expert in mathematics, S1 – undergraduate degre in related major, willing to work in Cikarang as the teacher head of newly open Kumon, mathematic course. If you are interested, find out my contact number on this weblog. – Urgent
2. A Man, undergraduate or postgraduate, expert in social studies, willing to work in cikarang. as Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) manager position in a developer company in cikarang , age between 25-35 years old. Could be Indonesian or foreigner. – Urgent.
If you are meeting those criteria above, contact me in advance.
Regards,
Reiza
Mohammad Reiza 